Christmas Jokes

Remember to use these one-liners in your Christmas parties, it's great fun

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".
What did Adam tell his girlfriend on December 24th ?
It's Christmas! Eve.
What did the guest sing at Eskimo's Christmas party?
...Freeze a jolly good fellow..
What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!
What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?
Baby reindeer.
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.
What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine.
Whose Christmas parties are full of screams?
Dracula's.

19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus !

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the
Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighbourhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator?
I don't know, but don't try to fix its bow tie!

How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter?
Mice skates.

Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.

What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

Did you know that all the angels in Jesus' heavenly choir had
the same name?
Sure, haven't you ever heard the song, "Hark,
the Harold Angels Sing"?

What is Santa's favourite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

What is Frosty's favourite breakfast cereal?
Snow Flakes.

How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With a North Pole-aroid camera.

Where is the best place to put your Christmas tree?
After your Christmas one and your Christmas two.

What would a Japanese tourist in Alaska wear?
An Eskimono.

Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.

I know, I know. I know that people say, "It's the thought that
counts, not the gift... but couldn't people think a little bigger?

Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father's Day
and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not
exist!

My friend, Rick, is a paramedic here in Miami. A few years ago he answered a call about a man who had a head injury he got when some teenagers were throwing eggs at cars. It seems that
the egg had come through the open window of the man's car as he was driving at about 45 mph. He had a large swelling on his forehead. In the official report, Rick described the incident as
an "egg-noggin".

What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)

What is red and white and goes up and down and up and down?
Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.

Why is Santa a good race car driver?
Because he's always in the pole position.

Who carries all of Santa's books?
His books elf. (book shelf)

What's red and green and guides Santa's sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle.

What do you call a polar bear that steals icebergs from other polar bears?
An ice-burglar.

How do you know if there is a reindeer in your refrigerator?
The hoof prints in the butter!

Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.

What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff?
He gets snowflakes.

What kind of food do you get when you cross a blizzard with a polar bear?
A brrr-grrr! (burger)

What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.

What did the sheep say to the shepherd?
Seasons Bleetings!

Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.

What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick?
A chill pill.

What does Santa Claus use when he goes skiing?
A North Pole.

What do you call a cow in Alaska?
An Eski-moo.

Santa Claus is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still
being able to say, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Billy: How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive?
Tilly: Olive?
Billy: Yeah, you know... Olive the other reindeer, used to
laugh and call him names...

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the
elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying
skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective
on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men
from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so
excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School
today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus
way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver
all the toys!" And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose
so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in
the sky to find their way around."

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesn't believe in Santa Claus...
But she believes in Master Charge!

Why are a lion at the beach and Christmas alike?
Because the lion has sandy claws.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold.

What does Santa use to raise corned beef and cabbage?
A knife and fork.

There is something at the North Pole that has many teeth
but does not bite. What is it?
A comb.

What kind of fish does Santa find in a birdcage?
A perch.

Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone.

ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do?
SANTA: Use a pen.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Mistletoe!

How many reindeer does Santa Have???
11 (named below)
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen
Rudoph (the one with the red nose)
Olive (Olive the other reindeer {all of})
and Al (Then Al the reindeer loved him {all})

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A subordinate Claus.

What kind of bird can write?
A PENguin.

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
Sandy Claus!

Office Holiday Memo
Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminium foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Australian Jingle Bells

Dashing through the bush,
in a rusty Holden Ute,
Kicking up the dust,
esky in the boot,
Kelpie by my side,
singing Christmas songs,
It's Summer time and I am in
my singlet, shorts and thongs

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut !,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Engine's getting hot;
we dodge the kangaroos,
The swaggie climbs aboard,
he is welcome too.
All the family's there,
sitting by the pool,
Christmas Day the Aussie way,
by the barbecue.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Come the afternoon,
Grandpa has a doze,
The kids and Uncle Bruce,
are swimming in their clothes.
The time comes 'round to go,
we take the family snap,
Pack the car and all shoot through,
before the washing up.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute

Christmas Party Games

Christmas Musical Chairs
With one less chair than you have players, arrange chairs in two rows, back to back.
Play Christmas music.
Players march around the chairs.
When the music stops, everyone sits in a chair.
The player who doesn't have a chair is out.
Take away a chair.
Keep playing until one player (the winner) is left.

Christmas Carol Charades
One at a time, each player silently acts out the name of a Christmas song.
Everyone tries to guess the song.
The player who guesses the most songs wins.

Candy Jar Guessing Game
Count and put wrapped chocolate into a big jar.
Players guess how many chocolates are in the jar, and write their guesses on slips of paper with their names.
The player with the guess that comes the closest gets to keep them!

Pin the Nose on Rudolph
You will need a large picture of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and red paper noses for each player. Write each player's name on his or her nose.
Blindfold the players one at a time, spin them around, and have them pin (or tape) their nose to Rudolph.
The player whose nose comes the closest to Rudolph's nose wins.

Rudolph Hokey Pokey
Play the Hokey Pokey, but use reindeer body parts:
You put your red nose in, you put your red nose out,
You put your red nose in, and you shake it all about,
You do the Rudolph Pokey and you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about. Hey!
(continue with antlers, left hoof, right hoof, tail)

Christmas Memory Game
Everybody sits in a circle.
The first player says, "In my Christmas stocking there is an ... "
and says something that starts with an "A" like apple.
The second person then repeats what the first person said
and adds something that begins with "B."
The third person must remember what the first people said
and add a "C" item.
Continue through the alphabet.
If a player can't remember all the items, that player drops out,
until there is one player left.